Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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