I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
