He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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