The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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