My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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