I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
