who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
