Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do vagina's smell?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
