I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can I color on your dick again?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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