Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
50% drunk capacity currently
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
