Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
FUCK WHALES
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
