Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
