I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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