Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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