who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Randomize
