she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
