Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
