About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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