i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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