come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
