Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
