I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
