We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
