I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
