you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
