Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
