I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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