So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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