you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
