She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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