I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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