I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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