Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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