You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
