When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
