never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
