I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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