Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
