i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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