watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
