Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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