I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
