i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
