I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
