I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
