The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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