I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Even my vagina gasped.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The air taste purple.
Randomize
