Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
