I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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