and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
