goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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