mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
