I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
