I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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