none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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