Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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