and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
